Sunday Night- May13
I announced in the service tonight that God wanted me to
stay in the circle until He answered our prayers. We are praying for $6500 a month for a year,
and 150 people in attendance in our weekly worship service.
I don’t know exactly what I expected, but people were much
more supportive than I had anticipated.
One lady came up crying and talked about how much it meant to her and
her family to have a pastor that would step out in faith. So many people were standing around crying after
our service. I think it means more to
them than I had thought it would. There was so much adrenaline going on inside
of me until everybody started to leave.
I kissed Whitney and the girls bye.
Then I heard a group of people that I usually hang out with talking
about going to my favorite Mexican restaurant.
Joey brought me some, but I couldn’t help but wonder what they had been
talking about. I feel like I’ve missed
so much life in just a few short hours. I knew this was going to be really hard, but I
don’t think I knew it would be this hard this fast.
About ten o’clock I start to realize how dark and quiet it
is in this church building. I’m not
exactly scared, but this huge metal building is unbelievably creepy at
night. Everything creaks. I started to think about what people might
say about me. I bet a lot of people will
think I’m crazy. Some people may even
say that I’m trying to get attention, or just doing a publicity stunt. I hope I can come up with a better publicity
stunt than this. I wish we could have
paid the heat bill, cause it’s really cold in here. Then I started doing what I have’t done in a
really long time. I turned on some
worship music and started praying.
Before I knew it I was pacing back on forth on the stage, totally
begging God for miracles. I don’t know
what his time frame is, but I know he is going to come through. He always does.
Monday – May 14th
I woke up this morning and realized that I can’t leave. The cool thing is, I started praying. I spent a couple hours talking to Jesus and
reading the Word. I am trying to read
through the entire Bible in 2 weeks. I
read through Genesis today. I think I’m
going to have to pick up the pace if I’m going to reach my goal. My family was here today to see me. Whit brought the girls. Kiahna asked if I was coming home today. I can’t come home. I got to hold her for a while though. She seems to be doing ok. I love it when
they’re here. It’s only been one
day. I wonder how long I will be
here. It’s really hard to be isolated,
but I really thought it would be harder than this. I think God has given me peace that I am
supposed to be here. I’m craving a
cigarette really bad. That’s what I’ve
done when I’m stressed or bored for a while now. Not having my crutches is forcing me to rely
on Jesus. I’ve never prayed this much in
my life. Joey came today. My buddy Thomas had put his weight bench in
the circle, so we lifted today. I wonder
what this focus will do to the rest of me?
It’s not about the benefits to me, but I can’t help but think of Daniel
when he wouldn’t eat the king’s meat.
The day passes pretty quickly. Joey and Courtney cooked out and ate behind
the church with me and Whit. Thomas was
there too. Eventually they all had to go
home. Then it got really quiet and dark
again. Around 10:30, I heard a knock at
the back door. It’s Kevin. We started praying, then I got a text from
Brian Johnson saying that Mark Batterson knows about the circle, and is praying
for us. I had just got done telling
Kevin that I didn’t want to pray! That
text changed my mind! We began praying.
Around 11:00 Scotty showed up. They left
around 1:30. I don’t think I’ve ever
prayed like that. I was literally
yelling at God. I’m not sure if that’s
ok. I felt so free to just shout my
heart to Him. David did it, and He was
after God’s own heart right? I think God
can handle my emotions and my fears. One
of the biggest emotions I’m feeling right now is doubt. What if God didn’t tell me to do this? What if I misinterpreted what I thought was
His direction? My insecurities go crazy
when it gets quiet. I’ve always been able
to just turn on my Playstation, or watch a movie on Netflix. Now that I’ve made a commitment not to have
any gaming systems, TV, or internet, it’s just me. I can’t hide from my doubt and
insecurity. I have to face my feelings
of inadequacy. My friends have been
coming by to pray with me, but then they leave, and it’s just me. I’m still trying to cope with not having
cigarettes. When I’m sitting alone,
there’s nothing I want more than to light up.
I know the headache will subside, but smoking always makes me feel less
alone. That’s why I wanted to quit
smoking in the circle. When I feel alone, I want to be forced to go to
Jesus. So far it has been working. There’s been a lot of frustration in my talks
with Him, but I have no other options. I
feel His peace breaking through my barriers, but it’s been slow.
Tuesday – May 15th
I woke up this morning around 3:00 o’clock to see 3 dark
figures pacing in front of me. They
looked like shadows, and they had hoods over their heads. My mattress is on the
stage, close to 3 feet in the air. They
were about 4 feet away from me, walking back and forth in front of the
stage. When I saw them, I jumped a
little. All three of them turned to look
at me, and then disappeared. They were
just gone. I sat there for a few
minutes, trying to figure out what had just happened. Finally, I gave up, lay down, and went back
to sleep.
I’m beginning to think that there is more going on than what
I can see. All morning I’ve been trying
to tell myself that what I saw was a figment of my imagination. I was reading the Word and praying today, and
I believe that God told me it wasn’t in my head. I believe that there were dark forces in the
room with me last night, fighting what Jesus is doing in our church. I would imagine that they have been there
for a very long time, but I just happened to see them last night. I think you can often times see the
importance of your obedience based on those who oppose you. Maybe I’m just the idiot who’s praying in a
circle until God answers. Or maybe I’m the
idiot that obeyed God, and God is going to pour out His power and blessing on
our community as a result of our obedience.
I’m starting to learn that noise doesn’t worry Satan. Big churches don’t worry Satan. Big budgets, and nice sound equipment, and
wonderful facilities don’t worry Satan.
I believe that God’s kids, completely dependent on the provision of
their Father worries Satan. God chose us
to be His representatives on this earth.
So often we try to accomplish His mission using our resources. If we don’t see the financial plan, we don’t
pursue the vision. Maybe we can’t
accomplish God’s vision without relying completely on God’s provision. I am settling in, and resigning myself to a
long road ahead. I may have many
sleepless nights. I may see more of the
enemy. I’ll take it. Because I know that in the process, I will
see more of my Jesus.
